Despite the stress surrounding his birth, he was a miracle! (As I have stated before in other posts, I was not supposed to have children.) He was early and weighed only one pound, but he was perfect! He had dark hair and eyebrows, perfect little fingers and toes, broad shoulders, and a sweet little face. He was knitted very well by his Maker! We do not know the reasons why he went into stress and needed to be born since the doctor's could not find one. We do not know why he left us on his 8th day of life either. What I do know and rest in, is his days were numbered and accounted for. He fulfilled his purpose, and it was time to see his Father.
As I sit here today and reflect on what this day means to me, there is that part of me that mourns the loss. I want so badly to have held him, snuggled with him, watch him play baseball and other sports, see him interact as a little brother as well as a big brother, and watch him grow in his love for Him. But today I have a choice, as all of us do in loss. Am I going to sit here and look at all of the things that I did not get to do or experience with my son? Am I going to let Satan rob me of the blessing of his life? To focus on those things would be discounting all of the things that I was given. I was given a son bearing my husband's name. I was given the opportunity to hold him one time and have him respond to my touch letting me know he knew I was his mommy. I was given the opportunity to know my Father in ways that I would have never known without this circumstance in my life. The grace and the mercy that was bestowed upon me during this time, was undeserved. My son showed me in a more tangible way the sacrifice that my Father gave. To experience the loss of a child is an unbearable pain, yet my Father chose this pain. Through this circumstance, I was given the opportunity to trust in the unseen like never before. Even though there were moments that I failed, He was right there ready, willing, and graciously waiting to pick me up.
On more than one occasion I have been asked if I would change this life circumstance. To me that question is unrealistic. As a mother, I long for my son. As a child of His, I long to know Him more. The only answer and choice is, I had to go through this so I could know Him more. I had to learn to trust Him for my next breath when I thought my heart was literally going to break. I had to trust Him, that His ways are bigger than my ways. I had to trust that He would make it all work out for good. I had to trust that this would draw me to Him in ways unimaginable.
"You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Blessed be Your name"
"Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, It is well, with my soul"
These lyrics from these two songs have new meaning now. He has taught me that it is well whatever lot He gives me. It might be hard to see it, but I have to trust. It isn't well because of anything I have done, it is well because of all that He has done. It is because of His unfailing love that in the midst of loss or heartache, that I can say, "Blessed be Your name".
Blessed be Your name. You have taken away, but You have given so much more. Today is a time of remembering. I choose to lay a stone of remembrance of all that my Father gave and blessed me with.
Today, on Will's 15th birthday he is celebrating with his Father. I know he heard the words, "Well done my good and faithful servant."
